


What's In a Name?

by whirlpool



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Xigbar is a living clickbait article let's be real
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-04-05 04:56:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19041562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whirlpool/pseuds/whirlpool
Summary: “Every member here at the castle has their own unique way of talking,” explained Axel.





	What's In a Name?

**Author's Note:**

> This was a monster to format and I regret everything

“Roxas, meet Saïx. He’ll be the one giving you missions each day.”

“Saix,” repeated Roxas blankly.

“No, it’s Saïx,” corrected Axel. “There’s a difference. Watch this.”

Axel cleared his throat and made a big show of knocking on the already-opened office door. “Hey Saix, any new missions today?”

The blue-haired nobody didn’t respond, his eyes resolutely fixed on the report he was reading.

“Saïx,” said Axel. Number VII’s head suddenly snapped up.

“Änÿ nëw mïssïöns tödäÿ?” Axel asked, resting one hand on the doorframe.

Saïx shook his head. “Nö, chëck bäck ïn tömörröw.”

Roxas’s mouth fell open. “How...how are you saying that?”

“Every member here at the castle has their own unique way of talking,” explained Axel. Just then, a naked and soapy Demyx came sprinting down the hall.

“D̴̼͓͗͑͂̕a̶̰̝͔̩͐̀̀n̶̬͕͋͊c̵̞̥͠ḝ̸̭͔̯́̉ ̷̨̹͖̃͌̆ͅw̴̭̘̠͓̌͐͝a̶̗̪̿͒͒̃t̶̛̬͔̰͇͑̈͗ę̷̟̥̳͗̋̂̚r̵̭̔̕ ̵̛̣͕̌͗̚͜d̴̲̜͉̬̊̓̔a̷̮̤͈̔͗n̴̬̥͗͜c̴̰̼̕ë̶̯̪́͐̎̓!!” yelped Demyx.

An angry Larxene came chasing after him with a hair straightener.

“Mœre pæin fœr yœu meæns mœre fun fœr me!” cackled Larxene, disappearing down the hallway after Demyx.

“Um,” said Roxas.

“You’ll get used to it,” Axel assured him. “Oh hey, it’s Xaldin. He’s No. III.”

“Hey (Smiling Face With Horns ) hustlers! (Face With Look Of Triumph ) (Flexed Biceps ) ” Xaldin waved. “Just got back (See-No-Evil Monkey ) from a mission (Memo ). The grind (Face With Look Of Triumph ) never stops (Clapping Hands Sign ≊ Clapping Hands) (No Entry Sign ≊ Prohibited) . No breaks. (Sleepy Face )(Droplet ) Philippians 4:13 (Eyes ).”

“(Clapping Hands Sign ≊ Clapping Hands)stay dream chasing(Dash Symbol ≊ Dashing),” said Axel. “keeping it (Hundred Points Symbol ≊ Hundred Points)?”

“RIP grandma 9/16/17 (Rose ) (Rose ) (Rose ). Stay hungry (Smiling Face With Horns ). Family first (Face With Look Of Triumph ). Always grinding (Flexed Biceps )(Splashing Sweat Symbol ≊ Sweat Droplets). Thankful every day (White Up Pointing Backhand Index ≊ Backhand Index Pointing Up)!” With a cheerful salute, Xaldin disappeared in the direction of the kitchens.

“Okay HOW THE FU —” Roxas began, before he was cut off by Zexion.

“ₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛ ₛₛₛₛ ₛₛₛₛₛ ₛₛₛₛₛₛₛ ₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛ ₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛ ₛₛₛₛₛₛₛ,” said Zexion.

“Dude, you gotta stop with the hieroglyphics,” groaned Axel. “I keep telling you, no one can understand you. It just sounds like a bunch of empty boxes.”

“ₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛ!!!!ₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛ!!!!ₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛₛ!!!!!” Zexion yelled angrily, stomping off.

Axel laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Teenagers, huh?” He glanced quickly at Roxas. “Um, not that you’re like that. Not at all.”

Roxas stared at him.

“Let’s go to the lounge,” suggested Axel. Perhaps a change of scenery would do them both good.

In the lounge, Xigbar and Lexaeus were discussing weapon upgrades by the water cooler while Marluxia was eating his lunch at a table.

_“Oh, hello Axel_ ,” said Marluxia smoothly, setting down his chicken salad. “ _How lovely to see you. How is our newest member acclimating to the castle? Good, I hope._ ”

Roxas slammed his fist on the table. “How is he even -- ”

_“He’s getting used to it, slowly but surely_ ,” replied Axel, ruffling Number XIII’s hair fondly.

“ _Oh, that’s just excellent. I’m so happy to hear that_ ,” said Marluxia with a smile. How was he so elegant? Roxas could practically see delicate rose petals fluttering around his head every time he moved. Oh wait, those were actual rose petals.

“ **Axel**! **You Won’t Believe the Powers This Keyblade Wielder Has!** ” howled Xigbar from the other side of the room. He raised a hand in greeting. “ **Heartless Hate Him for This One Weird Trick**!”

“ **The Crowd Couldn’t Help But Stare at the Keyblade Wielder When He Did THIS** ,” agreed Axel.

“I’m...why do I feel like I can click on what you’re saying?” Roxas rubbed his temple.

“ **Remember Sora? You’ll Be Shocked at What His Nobody Looks Like Now** ,” Axel gestured.

“ **He Tried to Gather Thirteen Darknesses. What Happened Next Will Shock You** ,” Xigbar replied thoughtfully.

“Ⓖⓔⓝⓣⓛⓔⓜⓔⓝ, ⓟⓛⓔⓐⓢⓔ.” Xemnas swept into the room with authority and conviction. (Xemnas did everything with authority and conviction.)

Roxas gaped.

“Ⓦⓔ ⓗⓐⓥⓔ ⓐ ⓜⓔⓔⓣⓘⓝⓖ ⓘⓝ ⓣⓔⓝ ⓜⓘⓝⓤⓣⓔⓢ. Ⓘ ⓔⓧⓟⓔⓒⓣ ⓣⓞ ⓢⓔⓔ ⓐⓛⓛ ⓞⓕ ⓨⓞⓤ ⓣⓗⓔⓡⓔ.” Xemnas surveyed the room, sniffed, and exited the room with authority and conviction.

“I don’t...I don’t think I want to be a part of this Organization,” said Roxas, feeling a little queasy.

Axel patted him on the back. “You’ll get used to it, champ. Now, have you met Lexaeus yet? He speaks in Morse code.”


End file.
